News Intelligence Analysis
A Yurica Report Lampoon
Astrology: You and Your Sign
By Pamela Kramer
Aries (March 21 to April 19). As the Ram you are exceptionally stubborn and must always have your own way. Because of this, most people hate you. You are blunt to the point of cruelty, often times you are wrong but you’ll never admit any fault on your part. Animals and children sense your tyrannical nature and avoid you out of fear. As the first sign in the zodiac, you are the perpetual child, most adults would rather have fun with people their own age so this leaves you out. Summary: Horrible bully & everyone hates you.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20). You are the Bull, and full of it, so to speak. Your tendency to be a clumsy oaf, often times, leaves you out in the cold, uninvited to holiday gatherings weddings, and any event which requires the ability to hold a glass without spilling. Because of your bullish nature you pick on those weaker than yourself, which is almost everyone. You are almost always disgustingly overweight and require reinforced furniture. As a child you pulled the wings off of insects and delighted in watching them struggle while attempting to escape the solar rays magnified through your chemistry sets magnifying glass. Summary: You are always going to be alone and must eat off of cheap plastic dishes. Everyone hates you.
Gemini (May 21 to June 21). The Twins. The dichotomy of your personality perplexes those who are unfortunate enough to be around you. You are brilliant but since you harp on it constantly you have the tendency to piss people off who are more intelligent than a rock. Your personality fluctuates between the good and evil twin so often that you almost always end up being committed to a prison cell or a hospital for the criminally insane. A lot of Gemini’s become artists and are almost always homosexuals. Your penchant for detail, orderliness and disinfectant's make it impossible for a meaningful relationship to develop. Summary: Icy cold exterior and sexual fetishes separate you from humanity. Everyone hates you.
Cancer (June 22 to July 22). You bear the title of the Crab. You are a water sign and will cry for absolutely no good reason. You constantly burden any friends you have with threats of suicide. You are physically abusive and are given to gluttony. As a kid you were teased due to your overwhelmingly huge mid section. You do sneaky, underhanded things and blame others because you are a wimp. You constantly feel guilty and obsess over sexual fantasies involving your mother and farm animals. Summary: You are a sickening sniveler. Everyone, especially your mother, hates you.
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22) The Lion. You believe yourself to be the center of the universe and the master of time and space. You are essentially lazy, preferring to let others do the “lions share” of the work. You are ill tempered and avoid any physical exertion, rarely breaking a sweat. You revel in others discomfort and enjoy observing anything involving pain, (As long as it isn’t yours.) Your flamboyant nature leads all those around you to believe that you are gay. Although intelligent & creative you would rather not employ these talents due to your lack of motivation. Summary: You will die of a heart attack & everyone hates you.
Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22). The Virgin. (That’s a laugh!) You will have sex with anything, moving or not, however you pretend to be pure, chaste and trustworthy. As an earth sign you have plenty of dirt between your ears. You complain and moan about everything, nothing is ever good enough. If you have children they will grow up to be serial killers. You are tightfisted with money and disappear when the check arrives. You have a tendency toward addiction and often drink to excess. This leads to promiscuity with other peoples spouses. Summary: You are a wild sex machine, everyone hates you.
Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 23). The Scales. Constantly attempting to balance, you irritate others with your indecisiveness. You never make any decisions without consulting a psychic or your mother. You wear a lot of floral prints, which, if you are male; makes you look fruity, if female; obnoxious. You are prone to embezzling large amounts of money from employers and lying about your weight & age. Your pathetic attempt toward sincerity is almost always transparent, making you look foolish. Summary: Lack of depth and wish-washy. Everyone hates you.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 to Nov. 21). The Scorpion. Boy, are you scary! You are the sneakiest sign of the zodiac. You like to see natural disasters wreak havoc upon uninsured trailer park retiree’s. As a child you were separated from other kids because you were evil. You are sarcastic and snotty to everyone, especially those employed within the service industry. During the 17 and 1800’s all Scorpio's, without exception, were involved in the slave trade. Women Scorpio's enjoy poisoning their mates over long periods of time. Males of scorpion descent like to drive their victims to suicide. Summary: Untrustworthy murderers. Everyone hates you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21). The Archer. You will probably be too stupid to understand this. Sagittarians are the most self involved and boorish people on earth. You actually think that the rest of us are interested in your extremely boring life. You speak before thinking which invokes gales of laughter but you don’t care because you think you are clever. You are extremely narcissistic, believing yourself to be flawless. You are overindulgent when it comes to anything pleasurable. Moderation is not in your vocabulary. Sagittarius invented the phrase “It’s the empty cart that rattles.” Summary: Egocentric asshole. Everyone hates you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19). As the Goat you are prone towards eating anything that isn’t nailed down. The word “cheap” leaps to mind. Capricorns are notorious for their failure to pick up a check. Most often bankers, C.P. A.’s and slum lords, Capricorns are heartless and cruel. They hate sex and rarely, if ever, achieve an orgasm, which explains why they tend to be so damned up-tight. Falling prey to convention and struggling to be cool will be the goats own worst punishment. They rarely stray from the norm and have no creative outlets. Summary: Uptight assholes. Everyone hates you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) Although called the Waterbearer, Aquarians are an air sign. Right off the bat they are confused. Headstrong and over-indulgent, Aquarians are big babies with absolutely no ability to deal with money. Most people on welfare fall under the sign of the waterbearer. Children adore you because you will never grow up to become a functioning member of society. The federal and state prisons are overcrowded because Aquarians tend to turn toward crime. You are almost always addicted to alcohol or narcotics, but your sleazy form of charm fools those lesser mortals you surround yourself with. Summary: You are a failure. Everyone hates you.
Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20). The Fish. As the last sign in the zodiac Pisces represents death. This makes the fish sign people wet blankets. If you want to bring down a group of people, invite a pisces to join in. Extremely temperamental, pisces are always feeling sorry for themselves. If they have children, they tend to name them annoying things such as “Rainbow” or “Barbie.” The fish is a creature of pleasure, enjoying sex and food to the point of obscenity. Pisces are troublesome and have never heard of commitment. Pisces are always broke so expect to pay for their drinks while they bore you with their sad sob stories. They never finish anything they start and the need for constant re-enforcement becomes tiring. Summary: Nobody likes a whiner & everyone hates you.
Pamela Kraemer is a mother of two children and a Yurica Report Columnist.
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